I haven't updated in sooooooo long.
I had a two week break from school, but it feels like it was a lot longer. For some reason I expected those weeks to be like December 2010 (not actually that long ago) and for me to be all inspired and productive and happy. DID NOT HAPPEN. I've been sitting here trying to figure out why and blaming it on all sorts of different things (most notably the WeatheR), but I guess probably I just expected too much. Two weeks isn't really that long when you consider what I was coming off of, and leading up to. So Chill Out Me.
I do want to make a note about how much I hate summers in Louisiana. THANKFULLY we had an amazing/long fall-winter-spring this year (omg can't say enough about that), but now it's back to hotashell and humidashell and awfulllllllllllll. I get depressed in this weather. This miserableness that makes me want to stay in bed and enjoy the sun from a safe, dry vantage point. Weather that makes me upset to put on cute clothes/jewelry because I don't want to sweat in them. I want to cry when I think about getting dressed, because I don't want to put on ugly Normal Clothes either.
But I decided recently to have a summer home. If I can't move away forever then I want somewhere to go as soon as possible every summer and actually enjoy myself. 12 months of happiness; I can't even imagine.
Wednesday, June 1
Wednesday, March 2
Gratification
You said you'd never have regrets
Jesus, is there someone yet
Who got that wish
did you get yours, babe?
I'm so sick of being in school. I'm so sick of not being able to do what I want to do. I've spent my whole life without it, and I'm just starting to think that it's too long. I want what I want, and I want to enjoy it while I still can. I'll give back when I'm old and those things are important to me. Right now I want to be young and be free and be happy with what I'm doing.
It's just like I always knew it would be. I always knew I'd be spoiled by a taste of the good life. One of those people who spends the rest of their life trying to reachieve that happiness. Only I've got it right in front of me. I don't have to look far. But I might as well not have it, because all I can see are the things blocking my view. All I can do is sit and dream about what's on the other side of this wall I'm leaning on. It's pitiful.
On another hand, though, I'm very happy. Happier than I've let myself be for a while. It still feels a little out of my reach, but I'm alright with it. I know how lucky I am.
I'm so sick of being in school. I'm so sick of not being able to do what I want to do. I've spent my whole life without it, and I'm just starting to think that it's too long. I want what I want, and I want to enjoy it while I still can. I'll give back when I'm old and those things are important to me. Right now I want to be young and be free and be happy with what I'm doing.
It's just like I always knew it would be. I always knew I'd be spoiled by a taste of the good life. One of those people who spends the rest of their life trying to reachieve that happiness. Only I've got it right in front of me. I don't have to look far. But I might as well not have it, because all I can see are the things blocking my view. All I can do is sit and dream about what's on the other side of this wall I'm leaning on. It's pitiful.
On another hand, though, I'm very happy. Happier than I've let myself be for a while. It still feels a little out of my reach, but I'm alright with it. I know how lucky I am.
Friday, January 7
Perspective
I'm so happy.
It's amazing how quickly attitudes can change. I have been so content lately. Since I've been on a break from school I've been becoming more and more the person I feel like I should be. If I'm cliche, I'll call it the real me. I hate to think that school is holding me back so much, or that I can only be the person I want to be when I'm free of responsibility. That makes me sound like a) I'm in the wrong line of work, and/or b) I can't be myself if I have something else to do.
I've been surprised lately by Shreveport and how many things it has that I never thought to look for. In fact, they pretty much found me. Like the city is begging me to stay. In the past 6 weeks, I've found minicine, some beautiful antique stores, some truly amazing local boutiques/restaurants, plus the weather has been so so nice. I have been finding myself thinking "oh, living in the south isn't so bad I guess." It's ridiculous. I don't guess you would know, but I have always hated living here in the armpit of the US. Humidity is my mortal enemy--it amplifies the weather, ruins your hair/makeup/general health of your skin, and is a staple of huge bug habitats. Also, alligators like it. But they're not so bad I guess.
I was supposed to spend this break focusing on where I will be when I leave Shreveport, but instead I got a lot more cozy here. I love the house I live in, the neighborhood is goodnotgreat, and really I don't mind being near my families. The only real reason I have to leave is my career, which we've already discussed might not be so great after all.
It's amazing how quickly attitudes can change. I have been so content lately. Since I've been on a break from school I've been becoming more and more the person I feel like I should be. If I'm cliche, I'll call it the real me. I hate to think that school is holding me back so much, or that I can only be the person I want to be when I'm free of responsibility. That makes me sound like a) I'm in the wrong line of work, and/or b) I can't be myself if I have something else to do.
I've been surprised lately by Shreveport and how many things it has that I never thought to look for. In fact, they pretty much found me. Like the city is begging me to stay. In the past 6 weeks, I've found minicine, some beautiful antique stores, some truly amazing local boutiques/restaurants, plus the weather has been so so nice. I have been finding myself thinking "oh, living in the south isn't so bad I guess." It's ridiculous. I don't guess you would know, but I have always hated living here in the armpit of the US. Humidity is my mortal enemy--it amplifies the weather, ruins your hair/makeup/general health of your skin, and is a staple of huge bug habitats. Also, alligators like it. But they're not so bad I guess.
I was supposed to spend this break focusing on where I will be when I leave Shreveport, but instead I got a lot more cozy here. I love the house I live in, the neighborhood is goodnotgreat, and really I don't mind being near my families. The only real reason I have to leave is my career, which we've already discussed might not be so great after all.
Thursday, January 6
fearless
I think my 2011 NY resolution (new year not new york) should be to stop being afraid. Like by not following every blog I read anonymously, or actually telling someone that this blog exists. I spend a lot of my time worrying, which is just an extension of being afraid. Afraid that something will or will not happen/in a certain way/at the right time/blahblahblah. I get so sad when I think about things not being perfect.
Monday, January 3
No Guts
So it's a new year. It's funny to think about, because I only started this blog a little while ago, and it's already something I did last year.
So a person I know mostly through online that I went to school with (there are a lot of people who fall into this category) whom I like very much did a 365 day project in 2010. She took a picture of herself each day and blogged it, sometimes with accompanying text, which was sometimes related to the picture but mostly not. I think I would like to copy this idea, which she copied from someone else. But I sort of feel like I should have started it on the 1st...maybe I could wait until my birthday, but that's so far away I will prolly have forgotten about it already by then. I also just got a new camera for Xmas, and I think this would be a good way for me to ensure that it doesn't suffer the same fate* as my last one did. I'm pretty nervous about the idea of taking a picture of myself everyday, but also really excited about it. I can see it motivating me in a lot of areas, so many in fact that I think I'll make them into a list:
1. Photography (duh)
2. Photo editing
3. My appearance
4. Self-awareness
5. Posterity
6. My desire to do something important, even if it's just for my own gratification
7. Being more interesting
8. Finding visually stimulating places in the surrounding areas of my home
Okay that's long enough. Hopefully I won't flake out on this. I'm sitting here thinking about how little time I have when I'm in school and how I don't want to get dressed up every day to take a dumb picture of my dumb self with a camera I don't know how to use yet...
Mostly I just need a good tripod.
*Being way too fancy for my overly ambitious self to learn to use and so never getting out of its case for more than a few minutes once so I could see if something else would fit inside of it.
So a person I know mostly through online that I went to school with (there are a lot of people who fall into this category) whom I like very much did a 365 day project in 2010. She took a picture of herself each day and blogged it, sometimes with accompanying text, which was sometimes related to the picture but mostly not. I think I would like to copy this idea, which she copied from someone else. But I sort of feel like I should have started it on the 1st...maybe I could wait until my birthday, but that's so far away I will prolly have forgotten about it already by then. I also just got a new camera for Xmas, and I think this would be a good way for me to ensure that it doesn't suffer the same fate* as my last one did. I'm pretty nervous about the idea of taking a picture of myself everyday, but also really excited about it. I can see it motivating me in a lot of areas, so many in fact that I think I'll make them into a list:
1. Photography (duh)
2. Photo editing
3. My appearance
4. Self-awareness
5. Posterity
6. My desire to do something important, even if it's just for my own gratification
7. Being more interesting
8. Finding visually stimulating places in the surrounding areas of my home
Okay that's long enough. Hopefully I won't flake out on this. I'm sitting here thinking about how little time I have when I'm in school and how I don't want to get dressed up every day to take a dumb picture of my dumb self with a camera I don't know how to use yet...
Mostly I just need a good tripod.
*Being way too fancy for my overly ambitious self to learn to use and so never getting out of its case for more than a few minutes once so I could see if something else would fit inside of it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)