sweet nothing

I was the worst version of myself just a few years ago. it's hard to look back at that person now. the best thing to do about it is to be proud of how far I've come.

I've taken responsibility for myself, and my life, and my behavior. I learn something about myself every day. it's scary, and amazing. I've never known who I am before. I never cared enough about myself to wonder.

I'm a person of silly jokes, and long pauses, and comfortable silences. I love to sing, and laugh, and cry, and make connections with strangers. my biggest fear is losing myself again in a relationship. my greatest wish I finding myself in one. I love a challenge. I love music. learning. humanity. words. when I'm happy I dress up, and cook, and dance like a dork. when I'm sad I take long drives and hot baths. when I'm lonely, I write. and when I miss you, I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

yep okay alright

you were right about the time of Evan, Kingsley, and Cyndil being over. Kingsley isn't the same King he was when we were a family. you're not the same, I'm not the same.

it's sad to think that all of that is gone. for everything else we fucked up, we were a great family.

it's painful that we lost it. but it makes me feel better.

and it's not enough, to show me that you care

I don't know what I miss. I love the feeling I get thinking of reconnecting with the people we knew in high school, and making Shreveport our own. but I don't feel like I'm entitled to do that. Shreveport isn't mine. and anything I ever did would be only an extension of you, because it's your town.

and of course there's the fact that I don't get along with the... geography.

Good Goodbye

are you happy where you're standing still?
do you really want the sugar pill?

not seeing you again just churns me up inside. not being able to have any of these imagined conversations with you. I wish we could be the friends I thought we were, or should have been.

it's probably not cool that I'm still doing this. but I know what I miss. as alone and lonely and in my head as I am, I know this has nothing to do with wanting you back, and everything to do with having no other choice.

I'm gonna keep all of this here, and hope that's enough.

i get it

high stakes career demands low stakes personal life

http://www.lifescript.com/health/centers/depression/articles/how_depression_harms_relationships.aspx

I found that article today by accident.

It confirms what I already knew about what happened to us. It took me such a long time to figure it out. So much relief--I'm not crazy, I'm not a bad person. So much sadness--the blame and guilt I put you through. So much regret--if I had been able to see what was wrong with me, where would we have ended up?

I can't deny that there were problems outside of my depression. Of course there were. And everything that was wrong with me wasn't because I was depressed. There are things that couldn't be helped, things that would have led to the end of us. I know this.

But I have to remind myself a lot more often than I'd like. That we would have never worked out. That we were headed down that road already. That it was better that things happened when they did, the way they did. I want to believe it, because I know it's true. But I have this ache in my heart that keeps asking, "Really?"

How happy could we have been without the lying, and the blame, and the criticism? How close could we have been with openness, and respect, and physical intimacy? How much better could we have left things?

I'm happy with who I am now. I want everything I have. But I miss those things I had, and I want to take back the parts of me that hurt you, even if they did help me get away, and better.

I guess I'm trying to apologize. Even though depression isn't something you should have to apologize for. I know it wasn't just me, and that getting out of depression isn't something you're supposed to do by yourself. But expecting someone to help you when you don't even know what your problem is...I'm sorry.

The Summer of My Discontent

I haven't updated in sooooooo long.
I had a two week break from school, but it feels like it was a lot longer. For some reason I expected those weeks to be like December 2010 (not actually that long ago) and for me to be all inspired and productive and happy. DID NOT HAPPEN. I've been sitting here trying to figure out why and blaming it on all sorts of different things (most notably the WeatheR), but I guess probably I just expected too much. Two weeks isn't really that long when you consider what I was coming off of, and leading up to. So Chill Out Me.

I do want to make a note about how much I hate summers in Louisiana. THANKFULLY we had an amazing/long fall-winter-spring this year (omg can't say enough about that), but now it's back to hotashell and humidashell and awfulllllllllllll. I get depressed in this weather. This miserableness that makes me want to stay in bed and enjoy the sun from a safe, dry vantage point. Weather that makes me upset to put on cute clothes/jewelry because I don't want to sweat in them. I want to cry when I think about getting dressed, because I don't want to put on ugly Normal Clothes either.
But I decided recently to have a summer home. If I can't move away forever then I want somewhere to go as soon as possible every summer and actually enjoy myself. 12 months of happiness; I can't even imagine.