high stakes career demands low stakes personal life
Tuesday, October 23
Tuesday, October 2
http://www.lifescript.com/health/centers/depression/articles/how_depression_harms_relationships.aspx
I found that article today by accident.
It confirms what I already knew about what happened to us. It took me such a long time to figure it out. So much relief--I'm not crazy, I'm not a bad person. So much sadness--the blame and guilt I put you through. So much regret--if I had been able to see what was wrong with me, where would we have ended up?
I can't deny that there were problems outside of my depression. Of course there were. And everything that was wrong with me wasn't because I was depressed. There are things that couldn't be helped, things that would have led to the end of us. I know this.
But I have to remind myself a lot more often than I'd like. That we would have never worked out. That we were headed down that road already. That it was better that things happened when they did, the way they did. I want to believe it, because I know it's true. But I have this ache in my heart that keeps asking, "Really?"
How happy could we have been without the lying, and the blame, and the criticism? How close could we have been with openness, and respect, and physical intimacy? How much better could we have left things?
I'm happy with who I am now. I want everything I have. But I miss those things I had, and I want to take back the parts of me that hurt you, even if they did help me get away, and better.
I guess I'm trying to apologize. Even though depression isn't something you should have to apologize for. I know it wasn't just me, and that getting out of depression isn't something you're supposed to do by yourself. But expecting someone to help you when you don't even know what your problem is...I'm sorry.
It confirms what I already knew about what happened to us. It took me such a long time to figure it out. So much relief--I'm not crazy, I'm not a bad person. So much sadness--the blame and guilt I put you through. So much regret--if I had been able to see what was wrong with me, where would we have ended up?
I can't deny that there were problems outside of my depression. Of course there were. And everything that was wrong with me wasn't because I was depressed. There are things that couldn't be helped, things that would have led to the end of us. I know this.
But I have to remind myself a lot more often than I'd like. That we would have never worked out. That we were headed down that road already. That it was better that things happened when they did, the way they did. I want to believe it, because I know it's true. But I have this ache in my heart that keeps asking, "Really?"
How happy could we have been without the lying, and the blame, and the criticism? How close could we have been with openness, and respect, and physical intimacy? How much better could we have left things?
I'm happy with who I am now. I want everything I have. But I miss those things I had, and I want to take back the parts of me that hurt you, even if they did help me get away, and better.
I guess I'm trying to apologize. Even though depression isn't something you should have to apologize for. I know it wasn't just me, and that getting out of depression isn't something you're supposed to do by yourself. But expecting someone to help you when you don't even know what your problem is...I'm sorry.
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